I got up and put on clean jeans (no, that's not newsworthy, keep reading!) and I'm down a size! YAY! Yeah, it made me happy.
I then got on to Facebook and there was a message from someone I don't know, not on my friends list and has only one mutual friend. It was a flirty message but fun and complimentary, not like the creepy, stalkerish messages I sometimes get. Again, still smiling.
The day was progressing nicely, a few bits of good news on friends' walls etc, you know the stuff. A few messages of best wishes from friends regarding my GoFundMe campaign - all cool and chilled.
Then a bolt from the blue side-swiped me and hell, I feel bad.
Something brought home to me the fact that I am in effect, begging for money and I'm begging from friends, people who hardly know me and from people that have never met me - not only that, I'm asking them to beg on my behalf too.
No, the message didn't say that, not at all, but it led to my conclusion - remember I told you about how my brain works? Sometimes, I swear it's out to get me!
I doubted myself, I doubted my motives for starting the campaign and I doubted the validity of it all.
A few friends asked what was wrong and I've glossed over it for the most part. I supposed that if I said the conclusion I'd come to by myself had hurt me, had torn at my self-confidence and self belief, I'd be giving that conclusion more credit than it was worth; more value to it, allowed it to have power over me - a lot like allowing the bullies from school get under my skin with their words. I'm trying not to allow it that power, but bloody hell fire, it's damned difficult.
Now, don't get me wrong, this is NOT an exercise in shooting the messenger, it's NOT the person that sent the message that made me feel bad, it's myself, my own demons - MY fault. A few more messages from other people have me back - if not on an even keel again, at least with a life jacket to hold on to while I get this damned boat from the bottom of the sea.
Should I stop the campaign? I don't think so. I'm giving value for the donations, I'm not forcing anyone to give me money and it's certainly not money for nothing. I don't think stopping the campaign will make me feel better about having started it and the reason for starting it is still there. No, I'll not call a halt to it.
Should I stop campaigning then? Stop asking people to help and support me? Would I ask people to stop asking me to support them? Would I ask that people quit posting on their wall when they feel they could use a little help, whether that's in the shape of money, physical help or a kind word? The answer is no, I couldn't stop helping my friends if they asked and so why would I think my friends would expect the same of me?
Now, the person that messaged me telling me they don't agree with my GoFundMe campaign sent a further seven messages, none of which I read - none of which I will read because I can guess what they may say and I have no wish to read it. I'll get Trev to open them and if I'm wrong and they're nice messages of support, I'll not get him to delete them.
I suppose the moral of this tale is this:
If you know your brain won't like you doing something, if you know it will corrupt every motive you have for doing anything in this world and if you know it will make you feel bad for the smallest thing if it possibly can, then you should just give up now and never try anything because sooner or later, no matter how 'nice' a person you are for the most of it, you're going to feel terrible at some point - and the feeling is exponential to the length of time you've gone feeling OK in yourself - the longer you've gone without beating yourself up for something, the worse you'll feel when it finally gets through and hits home.
Fuck it, screw them, do what you like!
Guess what I'm going to do now... :D