Yesterday I told you about what I'm trying to do. There's a little bit about the whys and wherefores but I'm going to delve a little deeper into my freaky psyche and try to explain.
I'm a weird creature, I'm the first to admit that. I'm loyal - fiercely so - with my friends and family and I hope for similar in return. Now, thinking about that, I know that my husband Trev has ALWAYS provided for me and our children. Yeah, there have been lean times ('red cross' parcels from his mum in the shape of food etc) and there have been times when we've had plenty (not so many of those, I might add). He's always worked hard, sometimes up to and beyond the point of exhaustion - setting up his business back in the 90s was the cause of not only most of those lean times, it was also where his stamina, tenacity and skill as a husband, father and artist came to the fore. There were times when the bailiffs were at the door, the electricity was in danger of being cut off and credit card companies were being held at bay by a massive game of '3 card screwed' where one is used to pay another in an ever-tightening circle. We couldn't cut the cards up, they were the only life-line we had. The business must have cost £100k to set up but it kept our heads above water for a few years until Trev went back to the pit (mine) and re-started his career as a miner. We took some bad advice, we got bogged down by debt and we even spent 10k on travelling to Australia to see if we would be able to emigrate out there. It all adds up and we're still clawing our way back.
We got through it all, we survived. Not necessarily unscathed and certainly not debt-free and on easy-street, but we're still here, still happily married and still working together to get through every day. YES! Oh dear lord, yes, it IS fun most of the time but once in a while my brain goes on a mission of self-destruction and it wakes me at stupid o'clock in the morning and refuses to slow down so I can get back to sleep. Last night I woke before 2am and was still awake at 4:30 when Trev got up to go to work (and beyond that too). Why was I still awake? Well, my brain wanted to keep reminding me about when we used to play Squash (racquet ball?) back in the 80s. Don't be silly, of COURSE it was important...
Maybe it's the disturbed night, maybe it's the weather, maybe it's because in less than a year's time Trev will be out of a job and I have the crazy notion that I'm not pulling my weight where the finances are concerned. Maybe it's a combination of those things but the truth of the matter is this: We have less than a year to get ourselves sorted out.
This is where my brain kicks off again... Do we have enough time? Do I have enough talent? Enough stamina, fortitude, tenacity and utter dogged determination to get us through this? Did I do the right thing in setting up that crowdfunding campaign? I don't know. The only thing I do know is that I'm trying. I'm putting my all into making my mark on the world of literature and I'm selling everything I have with regards to my work in every way I know how. The only thing I can't count on is luck. Let's face it, without that one lucky break, that one weird twist of fate, a lot of success stories would still be struggling to get noticed, seen, recognised. Talent and determination is not enough - has it ever been enough?
The trouble is, I don't know what is enough, but when I find it, I'm pretty sure I'll hang on tight to it because this time, Trev is already doing so much, I don't think he'll have time to haul our asses out of the fire.
Thanks for reading this far. I'm working on getting out of this funk and back on track tomorrow.
Wow... reading back, this is dark... sorry xx
Ahh, I may as well spam you with my links now you've got here.